So reality and I have had a little conversation recently. He has been kind enough to let me see how things really are. It really is an act of love for him to be honest and open with me even though it is not necessarily pleasant.
The truth is, that where I want to be in terms of goals and things that I’d like to accomplish and where I currently stand, is a much greater distance than I had previously allowed myself to see. At times I feel like working towards my goal is like walking towards a mirage. No matter how many steps I take, the distance always seems to be just out of reach.
It feels risky to take a hold of the truth that reality has shared with me. I mean, accepting the truth seems to lower my immune system to fighting off discouragement and defeat. I fear the voices of those who know me all to well. “This is just another one of her latest ambitions that she will run after with passion like a shooting star until the fire dies and the dream will disappear into the dark night sky.” It’s true. That assessment of me. I do not lack ambition nor do I lack goals to strive towards. But far too often I have been like an excited puppy chasing a car and to only lose interest far to quickly, only to return home empty handed.
But this time it feels different. And in saying that my track record alone devalues those very words giving them as much merit as a snake oil salesman. But I can feel the difference. In the past I’ve chased after many dreams in pursuit of finding myself. I was searching to find meaning and value in my life through accomplishing my goals and dreams. I was trying to find acceptance and value through my successes. I was wrapping my sense of self around the achievement of my ambitions. But that is doing it backwards and it won’t work. So this time, I’m doing it the other way around. To believe in your dreams you must first believe in yourself.